This is Where the Road Ends

Nearly three years ago I met and fell madly in love with a man unlike any other I’d met.  Recently, things were not adding up…… when I questioned him and asked if he was married he always maintained he was divorced, that we had been over this, he was not married.

This past week my doubts were confirmed, even knowing I had the hard evidence in my hand he still lied, insisted he was divorced.  My heart aches…..for myself but even more so for his family.  I hold his wife’s heart in my hands, wanting her to find a man who loves her the way she deserves to be loved, I want that for myself too.  I wish he’d thought about his family or mine when he started this…… I am wallowing in pain and self-pity right now……a broken record. 

My only crime was loving and trusting a man who is a liar and cheat……an over-educated liar and cheat. I’m sure his blackberry stores his lies so they are only a button away.

  (word has this poem goofed up, guess I will bite the bullet and download blogdesk.)

This is Where the Road Ends        

Sleep hides behind lies

My heart too shattered to rest

My soul is tired, weary

I want to dream in a place far away

where he will never find me

I turn on the light

numb fingers tapping on keys

rapidly to vent my pain

wondering why he did not bother

to find another married person

 to mind fuck

to consume

I am so disappointed in him

in the man I thought I knew

in the father who hugs his daughter

knowing she will find men like him

the world is full of them

I laugh to myself as tears

roll into the corners of my mouth

wondering why I thought I was so special

that they would pass me by

I sob wondering why he could not tell the truth

when I handed it to him

over and over on a silver platter

what was he hoping to save?

Obviously, only his own pride

Not his wife’s, not mine

I hear his voice his lies

 it hurts to the boneand beyond 

This is not a detour

it’s the end of the road

I never thought we would end

especially just as the world was turning

crimson and gold

just as the fields of beans work their magic

the road ahead uncertain for both of us

I know I will find the road back to

somewhere between where I’ve been

and a place I’ll never go again

but right now I am lost,

 just like him

in the pain he made

the pain he chose for each of us

somewhere between lies and healing

as the world prepares for autumn

 I look out over the field

his shadow absent behind me

as the scent of pungent damp earth fills the night air

there are no happy endings here

only sad songs that seem to come from every direction

the universe is comforting me

a thin slice of the waning moon

my unreliable witness

to the sharp edge pebbles

that like love, have cut too deep

this wound ,a twisted lie

refuses to heal

With a glass of wine I examine

his words over and over

dissecting them into small pieces

looking for even the smallest

trace of truth among them

I wonder if he’ll ever miss me

my touch or how I felt wrapped around him

If he will stare into a glass of red wine

and hear it whisper my name

see the words he penned on the cork

of each bottle we shared

I throw handfuls of them in the trash

then silently retrieve them for safe keeping

someday I will revisit them

not now

I am too fragile

this is where the road ends 

The neighbor’s cat coils around my ankle

I gently caress him

like a long lost love

with a sympathetic ear

and a warm heart

his purring, unconditional love

I, like the cat, am helpless

searching for a soft landing

life is fragile

fragile and unpredictable

I wonder who he prays to

who he talks to in the middle of the night

I have a history with him

but no future

the way the king of lies and deception

intended it to be right from the start

 Suddenly I understand

 “who has the power”

and a wiser, kinder person

tosses it into the prevailing wind