Archive for the ‘hope’ Category

First, I want to say that I hate Wal-Mart.  Hate them.

Second, I want to say that they have driven out every mom and pop in my town and are only option in this small town, so I am forced to shop them……..or another large chain.

Today, I got ready to settle down and make a collage and decided I needed yet more “stuff”.

I went to Lowe’s in search of a plastic notched trowel, had to settle for a metal one.  I wanted a package of the hard, flat sponges that puff up when you wet them, they did not have them…… I needed yet another type of glue to fix the drawer glide that holds my art supplies in my kitchen……and some formica samples to make a few necklaces….and luggage tags…sorry Lowe’s, I’d buy them in a package if you sold them.

At Wal-Mart I purchased waterbased markers, fine point sharpie markers in a variety of colors…. sand, paint brushes,  crayons for wax resist….. gel pens….tulips paints in matte….. a pad of paper made for acrylics (new to me)……   I bought drop clothes because I am messy…… and elmer’s glue………paper plates…… plastic cups……some misc things to add texture…..  I am so ready to get in my yoga pants and play with paints……………..  and hopefully lose some weight in the process……… I’ve shot my food budget on supplies so the only foods I bought this week are – a head of broccoli, a case of Diet Coke, a dozen eggs and a large plastic jar of pretzel sticks……ought to be an interesting week.

May your muse find you……….. 


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It’s been one of those days……….. my clear coat on my car is blistering for some strange reason, looks horrible.  The body shop can not get it in for  a few weeks.  $$$

This evening I broke a tooth…………. eating cheese!  I take my stress out by clenching and grinding my teeth and the last few weeks have been very stressful. I have a night guard but I take that out in my sleep……….probably because it interfers with my ability to clench and/or grind. $$$

My dentist and his staff are on a week long retreat.   

Good news…….. had a wonderful painting donated for my upcoming gala by a woman with Parkinson’s disease. It reminds me of Monet’s waterlillies, I think I like this one even better, perhaps because I know and admire her.  She is in her 70’s and still paints or draws daily.  For her to set up her canvas and easel is a major chore yet one she refuses to let others help her do……..everything has to be just so.  When I went to pick it up she dropped the frame…….chipped a huge section off a very expensive frame.  I took it to our local and fabulous frame gallery, he knows her, and he was only too happy to put it in a new  very expensive frame at his expense.  I will use it for a live auction item. She will be there and she will be thrilled.  In her prime she did a lot of art shows, now that her every movement is challenged, she just paints for her own therapy.  

One of my highlights today happened at Wal-Mart. They hire people who have disabilities.  At our local store they have a young lady who is a greeter.  She has cerebral palsy.  She can’t speak but tries and she tries hard.  She loves to check your receipt against the merchandise in your cart as you leave, She loves and needs the interaction with people,when you talk to her she beams. I always make a point of speaking to her and having her check my cart.

Today, when I walked in she was waving her arms and smiling, so excited.  I walked up to her and asked her why she was so happy.  Her body, true to form, was jerking all over the place but she managed to type  a code in a lap top type computer on her stand and it spoke to me!!!!  She was thrilled to death to be able to communicate with me and she joked with me too……..and she laughed. I laughed.  I hugged her and she typed in, “I love to be hugged”.  It got me………….kicked me in the gut……….I can only imagine she’s been waiting a lifetime to tell someone that.

I told her I did too as I blinked  back tears.

As I was leaving the store I saw a woman about my age standing outside the entrance, crying.  I asked her if she was Ok…….she nodded yes, as tears streamed down her face.  She said she is the mother of that young lady and was so touched by her excitement about her new “voice”…….  and the fact that a stranger would take the time to talk to her as if she were  a normal girl.  I hugged her mother and told her that I never thought of her daughter as a normal girl, she is nothing less of exceptional……….. and a great inspiration to me!

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This afternoon I went to a birthday party for a gentleman turning 90 – he told me he reached this age in good health because he knew the magic formula.  I asked him what that was, hoping he’d enlighten me.He looked at me and said, “Love. I fell in love with a good woman who loved me with her entire heart on my good days and bad days and I did the same for her.”I want a younger version of that man. Good days and bad days, oh yes, I have loved that way………. I am missing the man who can return that kind of love. 

He said he isn’t too much to look at now days.  What he doesn’t realize is, it is not how someone looks that is import,  what sags and wrinkles only makes them that much more lovable.  It all starts and ends with what’s inside.  I choose to live with an open hand, open heart in hopes of finding real love someday……..and holding it.

I don’t want the guy with the 6-pack or the one who dresses to the nines, I don’t care about sports cars or how much money he makes, what he does for a living,  I want the guy who’s hair has turned the color mother nature intended it to be at this age, the guy with the lines on his face………the lines life delivered……….I will climb over the pretty boys to get to the skin horse…….anyday of the week.

And now, one of my all time favorite passages from “The Velveteen Rabbit” – about the skn horse

“The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

 I do have the capacity to love again…………in time……..in time. Right now, I have fresh wounds that need attention……..deep and raw, but in time I will be ready again.

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In my past I was the mere shadow of a weak woman.

Unworthy of being loved, I married a man whose depth was no more than surface deep, his own sorrows buried in alcohol. Yes, saddenly this was what I unconsciously chose for myself…someone that I could love more and who did not know the meaning of the word, nor did he have a desire to be loved. Sigh.

In the mirror I am a no longer a victim but a survivor, a stunning beauty with clear pale green eyes, laugh lines and a little of nature’s sparkle in my hair. Even if I am the only one that sees that in me, that is all that matters.

In my dreams the thin woman that lives inside my body escapes, climbs Mount Rushmore, dances on the head of Teddy Roosevelt, jumps over to George Washington's head and slides down his nose landing in a lush, decadent, creamy, warm pool of Godiva chocolate. She takes a deep breath, then notices she has left her mark on this earth... her lime green, size 3, thong bikini dangling on the mountain for all to see.

In my stories I am a pioneer woman who followed her man across this country raising healthy children that had strong family values and learned to deal with life’s challenges as they came.In my fears I am a on a bridge that is crumbling into a rushing river below it and I can not swim. I am terrified, not for the fear of drowning but because I am unable to save my children who are with me in the swollen river. My heart dies a thousand deaths instantly, it's much too much for me to bare.

In my car I am Barbara Streisand’s idol, I speak perfect conversational French and I weigh what my driver’s license says I do.

In my wishes I am the person that discovers the cure for all cancers so we don’t have to say good-bye to loved ones much too soon.

In my childhood I was a the princess that never smiled, a fat child that realized at an early age that the world would judge me by my weight and not my heart. I was a thin teenager but never knew it.

In these clothes I am a Diva with traces of dye ink and pigments from memorable nights of splendor spent crafting treasures for my loved ones, way into the wee hours of hot summer nights while the crickets sang to me and only me, as the thunder rumbled in the distance.

In the future I'll be old but never old in spirit, my scrapbooks will up to date, my crafts organized and my house clean. I will be one of those people who sit on their porch and watch the world go by, those people that I’ve loathed and envied all these years while secretly wondering what the inside of
their house looked like.

In my family I am an OVER-PROTECTIVE MOTHER and darn proud of it and thankful for being blessed with two beautiful sons that tolerated me all these years! Not for all the riches of the world would I trade the years I've had with them, or the hopes I have for their future. They are my greatest work and the part of my heart I leave behind when my days are done. They are love. 

In my old age I am healthy with great hair that still blows in the wind. I wake up with my lover of many years, his hair now gray, wrinkles grace his face, his eyes still the biggest source of comfort to me. I speak to him without a word, he knows he is my heart's desire. We go for coffee early in the morning before the birds are up and sometimes play Scrabble in front of the fire while sharing a bottle of our favorite wine. His hand is the one I want to hold as one of us are dying, knowing the other's departure from this world won't be far behind.In my heart I know I am blessed......I have my vision and hearing, all my senses, as well as wishes and dreams more precious than gold and the hope that they someday may come true.

Just for the record, I fit in one airplane seat, but that may not always be the case.... :)... in which case there would  simply just be more of me to love!Ahhhh, my pen has ceased to write, my fingers too tired to type, my head is spinning, I feel a little wild, I may just have to howl at the moon!



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